To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
You Might Also Like
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
I don’t know what to do
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds