Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
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me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
That’s what I call a flat tire
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.