Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
sigh
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.