@rpbateman

Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.

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@dukelongboard

I crack my knuckles, turn to the cops and say “I got this” as I stroll toward the bank robbers and get shot in the face

@VerbsRProudest

If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.

@TheAlexNevil

*first day as Robin Hood

“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”

@jameshamblin

“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late

“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late

“in traffic” = just got in a car

“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago

@RickyFabiyi

Huh? People check their hand after picking their nose, what do you expect? A piece of diamond!

@ItsAndyRyan

Sigmund Freud: I fell over

Me: A Freudian slip?

Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass

Me: Is it a bit of a pane?

Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune

Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud

@BadassBarbie11

If you blow out the kid’s Birthday candles at enough parties, people will just stop inviting you to them.