Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
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The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
(yawn)
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…