I crack my knuckles, turn to the cops and say “I got this” as I stroll toward the bank robbers and get shot in the face
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
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If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Huh? People check their hand after picking their nose, what do you expect? A piece of diamond!
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
If you blow out the kid’s Birthday candles at enough parties, people will just stop inviting you to them.