We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
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God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?