Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
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I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.