Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.

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goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical


{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.


Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.


Ocean’s 45:

The group gets bigger each heist

It’s too hard to keep secrets

Someone posts the next plan on Facebook

Everyone goes to jail


“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers


rose: yes, i was on the titanic

guy: great. where is this diamond

rose: first i will tell u about this boy

guy: no can u just tell us-

rose: best sex of my life. easily.


Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.

Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…