When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
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Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree