Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
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Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.