Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
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My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
when you are just born a rebel
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
I have a new favorite meme page
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.