Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
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The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
My diet starts in January
of 2027
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
The dark side of Canada
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.