@JohnLyonTweets

Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.

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@skickwriter

I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.

@romiza_

*Witnesses an awkward moment* starts a slow clap* sees that nobody is joining me* pretends like I’m trying to kill mosquitoes*

@junejuly12

I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.

@_Tempo11

“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.

@FredTaming

scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?

other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?

scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours

@Tmoney68

If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.

@Try2StopME

Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.

Temple Run is a really motivating game.

@rowdyforsheriff

If my dog has taught me anything it’s if you’re tired just lie down anywhere

@StevenKJohnson

Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.

@laurenreeves

My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?