Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
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*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.