Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
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Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up