Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
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wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
how much for the angry fruit?
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports