Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.

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I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].


“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”


I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.


As I lay my phone down to sleep, I pray my brain won’t think of tweets. If I die before I wake, I pray and hope my phone to break.


Me: you’re going to bed in 5 minutes.
Toddler: No. Twenty minutes!
Me: Ok. *puts him to bed in 2 minutes because he has no concept of time*


The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”


Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally

Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew


I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.