@better_off_dad

Sometimes I think the only thing I learn from my mistakes is how to make bigger ones.

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@Jenny4ashley

I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.

@deloisivete

5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!

@isabelzawtun

*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*

@beefman138

You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.

@ValeeGrrl

7yo: MOMMA DO YOU THINK YOU’LL EVER GET A 6-PACK OR ARE YOU JUST GONNA BE FAT

Me: *slowly shreds Pokémon cards w/out breaking eye contact*

@david8hughes

“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”

@OneTrickTofani

Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me