Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Sometimes I think the only thing I learn from my mistakes is how to make bigger ones.
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I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
7yo: MOMMA DO YOU THINK YOU’LL EVER GET A 6-PACK OR ARE YOU JUST GONNA BE FAT
Me: *slowly shreds Pokémon cards w/out breaking eye contact*
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme