Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
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[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells