Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
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Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
This kid is a star!
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.