@9to5Life

Sometimes I think we’re all going to be okay. Other times I read Yahoo Answers.

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@krisv_723

<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.

@StephenKing

At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.

@AimeeHelene1

Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*

@KimmyMonte

please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers

@shadonium

What I hated the most in Facebook?
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@AimeeHelene1

How I handle confrontation:

Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*

@vladchoc

Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.

@NurseMurderer

I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”

@robin_991

My husband left me this morning. Again.

he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.