Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
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You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
Hey I worked for it too!
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.