Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
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Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
You’re the water to my grease fire.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Friends that check up on you >
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.