No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
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Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
ACED my prostate exam!
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.