“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
Sometimes I walk around my apartment naked with the windows open. Just in case my neighbors need a good cry.
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Well, well, well, if it isn’t my inability to think before I speak
Looking at our latest Comcast bill and I can only pray that our daughter has zero aspirations for college
Cop: where ya headed?
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Ikea meatballs pulled from shelves because they contain horse meat. Man, that’s the last time I buy meatballs at a furniture store.