My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
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[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
The three genders
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.