@anniealone23

Sometimes I walk around my apartment naked with the windows open. Just in case my neighbors need a good cry.

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@realHamOnWry

Not having kids has turned out to be way cheaper than noise canceling headphones.

@michael_J_m00n

Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.

@continentlbkfst

CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office

*gasps*

CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet

*laughter*

CIA: also someone in here leaked info

*gasps*

CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party

*laughter*

CIA: also someone’s a spy

@LMGinTN

This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.

@Playing4Second

CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint

@AngryRaccoon2

Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.

@timdonakowski

Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.

@Brianhopecomedy

My 2 year old woke up.

5 minutes of “Mommy!”

5 minutes of “Mommy?”

Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.

@BadJordon

[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail

@bobvulfov

COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good