Not having kids has turned out to be way cheaper than noise canceling headphones.
Sometimes I walk around my apartment naked with the windows open. Just in case my neighbors need a good cry.
You Might Also Like
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
CIA: also someone’s a spy
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
COP: lets get taco bell
COP: text ur ex
COP: ok ur good