Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
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“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
🤣
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
Only short people can save us
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts