Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
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I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired