@xLiserx

Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.

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@Book_Krazy

ME: Did you hear Jack & Cindy got divorced and he’s dating someone half his age?
HUB: Yep. He’s livin the dream
ME:
HUB: His dream not mine

@LeviathanPride

Kim Jong Un is 30, runs a dictatorship, executes ex-girlfriends, and openly threatens to annihilate the US. What am I doing with MY life?

@dog_feelings

the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together

@kyry5

At a business meeting:

“How about SuperCupid?”

“No, expectations will be too high”

“GreatCupid?”

“Lower”

“Uhhh, OKCupid?”

“Brilliant”

@simoncholland

When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.

@3sunzzz

[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!

Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.

@iwearaonesie

wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote

@jergarl

[on phone with debit fraud]

Bank guy: Sir do you shop on line at all

Me: DUDE IT’S 2017 WE BUY TOILET PAPER ONLINE

BG:

M: Sometimes. Yes

@DillDoes

*Burglar breaks into my room*
*he looks around*
*he softly wakes me up*
Dude do you need some money or something? I’d be happy to help