sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
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a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
And now we wait
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
he was correct
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
“You’d better run, egg!”
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.