sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
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My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets