Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
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In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Finally, a door that understands me
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?