Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap 8 people at once.

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HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.


ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough


The defense rests your honor.

*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*


Me: What sound do dogs make?

3-year-old: Woof woof.

Me: Horses?

3: Neigh.

Me: Pigs?

3: Sizzle sizzle.

Somebody understands bacon.


If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.


I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience


Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No