@MeetYourDaddy

Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap 8 people at once.

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@AndrewNadeau0

HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.

@Brampersandon_

ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough

@Rad_Lemur

The defense rests your honor.

*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: What sound do dogs make?

3-year-old: Woof woof.

Me: Horses?

3: Neigh.

Me: Pigs?

3: Sizzle sizzle.

Somebody understands bacon.

@weinerdog4life

If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.

@envydatropic

I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience

@noog

Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No