HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap 8 people at once.
You Might Also Like
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
Why are bridges so flammable.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
Jesus: For eating an apple