Sometimes I wonder about those old mattresses in the alleys, the stories they could tell. The ones about me are lies of course.

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Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once


someone just tweeted “do crabs think fish are flying” and i just know this is all i’ll think about for the rest of the year


Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.


*hand grenades*
*blow torch*
*AK 47*
*sulfuric acid*
*ninja training*

My Google search history yesterday after I found a spider.


If I were God, I’d totally be cool with you using my name in vain.

Feel free to say, “Oh John” next time you’re cumming ladies.


Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.


If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”


I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)


The efficient part about falling asleep on the toilet at work is that inevitably someone who had beans for lunch will come and wake you.