@emptydahl

Sometimes I wonder about those old mattresses in the alleys, the stories they could tell. The ones about me are lies of course.

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@TheOnion

Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once

@hoeroins

someone just tweeted “do crabs think fish are flying” and i just know this is all i’ll think about for the rest of the year

@stewnami

Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.

@shopkins776

*hand grenades*
*blow torch*
*AK 47*
*sulfuric acid*
*ninja training*

My Google search history yesterday after I found a spider.

@Shock_Monster

If I were God, I’d totally be cool with you using my name in vain.

Feel free to say, “Oh John” next time you’re cumming ladies.

@ozzyunc

Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.

@TedOfficialPage

If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”

@RickAaron

I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)

@aeharder

The efficient part about falling asleep on the toilet at work is that inevitably someone who had beans for lunch will come and wake you.