Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
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EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet