Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
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[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.