Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
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2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat