Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
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my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Going to church you guys need anything
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
True statement👍😏😁
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*