Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
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If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
With this onion ring, I thee fed
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Breakfast for Stoners:
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel