sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
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what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
R.I.P.
“you changed” bro i was 15
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.