Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
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Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.