Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
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Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
“you recording!?”
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Not all heroes wear capes.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.