Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.

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Called AA by mistake, those drunks can’t change a tire for shit.


PIGEON KID: I need to go bad

PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue


Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic

[3 months later]

Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time


Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?

Me: Does sex count as exercise?

Dr: Yes.

Me: No.


Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.

Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.


My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.


Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.


[first date]

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*


[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]

Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?

Host: What’s your friend’s name?

Me: Wikipedia.


{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving