Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
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[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.