Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
You Might Also Like
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface