H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
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Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
White women are wilding out here
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
When a cashier asks me for my email address, I keep naming random letters as they type it to see how long I can go before they give up.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.