Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
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Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
Wise advice
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
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My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.