Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
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the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Still cracks me up
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.