Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
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When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Education is vital
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off