@HumanPog

sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings

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@aidanjsears

INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired

@IvoGraham

A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app

@KingRainhead

When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”

@Tmoney68

If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.

@ServiceTech_

Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.

@ConanOBrien

Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.

@damakattack

Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on

@krisv_723

My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.

@NickBossRoss

Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.

@chuuew

I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.