sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings

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INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired


A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app


When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”


If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.


Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.


Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.


Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on


My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.


Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.


I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.