@HumanPog

sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings

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@EndhooS

[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance

@badbanana

Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.

@paul_haine

If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi

@lmegordon

I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.

@Sassafrantz

boss: I’ve been reviewing the security footage from last night and…

me: OH SHIT!

boss: OH SHIT IS RIGHT! YOUR DANCE MOVES ARE ON POINT!

@TheToddWilliams

ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?

FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death

ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me

FUTURE-COP: W-

@CheryeDavis

I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.

@pant_leg

teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot

@AmishPornStar1

Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…

It was the bathroom…but still…