Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
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I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
Jogging has never helped my memory.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.