Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash

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My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.


The ex hasn’t moved out yet. To make her uncomfortable I left a new box of condoms out on the table. She retaliated with a pregnancy kit.


[blind date]

HER: I’m a ghost writer

ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?


“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall


Someone: wanna hear something interesting?

Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO

Me: sure

Anxiety: you brought this on yourself


3 out of 4 voices in my head want to sleep. The other wants to know if penguins have knees.


Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful

[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit


When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.