Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
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Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
Lmao
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
smartest karate player in the world
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
uh oh
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.