Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
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When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars