@McNevich

Sometimes I’ll flush a few slices of pizza down the toilet just to let the Ninja Turtles know I miss them

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@SatansTongue

6th grade nurse: do you play baseball
Me: uhh why
Nurse: your right arm is so much stronger than-
Me: oh yeah! Yeah I play baseball so much

@Tommytoughstuff

*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”

@Julian_Deane

Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.

@antheanton

Homeschooling isn’t that hard … just set an agenda, stick to a routine, have fun … oh and don’t have kids!

@underrateDad

Wrong hole, except its just me watching my 3 yr old try to squeeze his head through the sleeve of his t-shirt…

@dumbbeezie

Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again

@david8hughes

I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?

@KenJennings

Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”

@robin_991

Me: I remember when people could smoke in a restaurant

10yo: I remember when people could go to a restaurant

@murrman5

[during ultrasound]
wife: I really thought you were the father
me: how could you do this to me?
wife’s grey and black lover: I told y’all