Sometimes I’ll flush a few slices of pizza down the toilet just to let the Ninja Turtles know I miss them

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6th grade nurse: do you play baseball
Me: uhh why
Nurse: your right arm is so much stronger than-
Me: oh yeah! Yeah I play baseball so much


*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”


Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.


Homeschooling isn’t that hard … just set an agenda, stick to a routine, have fun … oh and don’t have kids!


Wrong hole, except its just me watching my 3 yr old try to squeeze his head through the sleeve of his t-shirt…


Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again


I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?


Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”


Me: I remember when people could smoke in a restaurant

10yo: I remember when people could go to a restaurant


[during ultrasound]
wife: I really thought you were the father
me: how could you do this to me?
wife’s grey and black lover: I told y’all