Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
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“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Perfect
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
Tony Hawk, age 6