Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
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Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
oppen heimer style lol
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…