Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
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Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
If snakes were wide
if my sleeping schedule was a person
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.