Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.

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A cyclist told me to share the road, so I threw a piece of asphalt at him.


Son: How did you get that scar on your brow, dad? Boxing? MMA?

Me: Your mom was putting her purse in the backseat.


Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!


Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*

Victim: why are you doing this?

Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol


I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.


I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.


Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?

Me: sure

Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you


Him: what are you doing

Me: gas is so cheap right now

Him: ok but–

Me: *continues filling bathtub*


Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu