[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
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Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*
“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
I wish my name was Grudge. This way my wife would hold on to me forever.
On a scale from 1 to 10 I tell people they’re an 11. It’s a fun way to let them know they don’t exist and they take it as a compliment.