Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
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*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
¯_(ツ)_/¯
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
🙅🏻
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want