Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
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I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.