Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
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best review i’ve ever seen
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
what is cheese if not milk persevering
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
I don’t know what to do
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
*skinny dips into black hole
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
me when i see my girls butt
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)